Three things you can do when a church member talks to you about domestic abuse
In my previous articles, I shared some important facts about domestic abuse in churches and ways churches can be prepared to handle domestic abuse situations. Although poor or uninformed responses from church leaders can have disastrous consequences, the good news is that God can use pastors who are humble and teachable to protect victims of domestic abuse and restore their faith. In this article, we’ll cover what a pastor can do when a church member shares her experience of domestic abuse.
1. Believe the victim.
Domestic abuse is an ongoing pattern of trying to control another person through intimidation, threats, violence or other behaviors intended to incite fear. Statistically speaking, it is extremely rare for a woman to make a false allegation of domestic abuse. Your church is far more likely to have cases of domestic abuse that are never made public than to have a false allegation of abuse.
As mentioned previously, it can be difficult for someone who is not trained in domestic abuse to recognize abusive patterns, and investigating a claim of domestic abuse can put the victim, her children and even her extended family and friends in harm’s way. The safest course of action is to listen, to believe the victim and to let domestic abuse experts (such as counselors trained in abuse, domestic violence advocates or shelter employees) make further inquiries if something doesn’t ring true.
2. Prioritize her and her safety.
Matthew 12:1-13 powerfully reminds us that God loves people more than rules and institutions. This is not surprising, when we remember Scripture teaches us that God is a father to the fatherless and a protector of widows (Ps. 68:5); that Jesus brings forth justice yet will not break a bruised reed (Is. 42:3); and that Christ came to proclaim God’s favor and free the poor, the captives, the blind and the oppressed (Luke 4:12-13).
Remember that a victim of domestic abuse almost certainly has incorrect ideas about God’s character and what He expects of her. She likely believes that a godly wife should submit even to sinful, abusive behavior. She may be convinced that God has called her to a life of suffering or that He has tasked her with saving her marriage. It’s possible she doesn’t even recognize that her situation is abusive.
This is not the time to address God’s ideal design for marriage or the specifics of what has gone wrong in her relationship. Instead, remind her of the expanse of God’s love (Eph. 3:18) and assure her that nothing can separate her from this love (Rom. 8:38-39).
Let her know that her safety and the safety of her children is your highest priority. Whether she leaves the situation immediately, stays until a more opportune time, needs to work up the courage to leave or still feels unsure her situation is abusive, she will need a safety plan. These plans can be complex and should include specific strategies to help keep the victim and any children safe during a violent incident, while at home, while in public and if they should need to leave.
If possible, help her connect with an abuse counselor, a women’s shelter or someone else who is specifically trained to assist domestic abuse victims with safety plans. Offer to make the call with her. If she’s not ready to take that step, don’t push -- simply let her know that you will pray for her and your door is always open.
Please note: If you are informed of abuse involving a child, an elderly person or an adult with disabilities, you likely have a legal obligation to report it immediately to the appropriate authorities. Mandatory reporting laws rarely cover healthy adults and often don’t include non-violent abuse. Laws vary between states, so check your local laws or consult a lawyer for specific guidance.
3. Walk with her over the long term.
Dealing with domestic abuse is a long, messy process. Although you may long to see repentance, reconciliation and restoration of the marriage and family -- and although Jesus is capable of working that kind of miracle -- the reality is that abusive situations rarely have a storybook ending.
It takes 3-5 years for an abuser to change his attitudes and actions, and only a small percentage of abusers ever get to that point. Domestic abuse expert Leslie Vernick says that “church leaders must face something they find troublesome, and that is the reality that some marriages cannot be saved. Not because God can’t heal, but because people won’t repent or do the hard work to change.”
In addition, the average woman returns to her abuser seven times and continues to experience the same abusive treatment before she is able to leave for good. This kind of repetitive cycle can be frustrating for those who are trying to help the victim.
As a church leader, you already know it is difficult to escape from sin, and domestic abuse is no different. The best things you can do for a domestic abuse victim are to pray for her and her family; to check in on her regularly in a way that doesn’t endanger her further (ask her how to do this); and to provide resources specific to her situation (see my previous article for ideas and suggestions).
Focus on supporting the victim, reminding her of her value in God’s eyes and helping her understand her options. Don’t tell her what to do or push her when she seems unwilling or reluctant. Victims of abuse have suffered under what experts refer to as coercive control for a long period of time, and part of their recovery includes learning how to make choices for themselves.
Finally, consider working with a domestic abuse advocate. Called to Peace Ministries offers consultations for churches and trains volunteers to serve as faith-based domestic abuse advocates who can work one-on-one with victims. Find out more at the Called to Peace website.
In spite of the damage domestic abuse inflicts on women and children, loving pastors and church leaders can help victims and survivors find hope and healing in Christ.
Kimber Huff serves as the partnership and development director at the Baptist Convention of New England.
