Domestic abuse: 4 things pastors and churches need to know
The statistics about domestic abuse are staggering. Each year twelve million people are victims of intimate partner violence. Thirty-five percent of women experience rape, violence, or stalking at the hands of a significant other at some time in their lives. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Here’s what pastors and church leaders need to know about domestic abuse.
1. Domestic abuse involves more than violence
As researchers and advocates have learned more about domestic abuse, they’ve recognized that violence is only one tactic abusers use -- and some abusers are rarely or never violent. Other forms of abuse include emotional abuse, isolation, threats, and gaslighting. (For more information, check out The Duluth Model’s Power and Control Wheel.)
Pastor and biblical counselor Chris Moles says domestic abuse is “an abuse of power, manifested through selfishly motivated patterns of behavior intended to exercise or maintain control over one’s partner.”
Domestic abuse behaviors can vary widely, but all are designed to exert sinful control over the victim through fear and intimidation.
2. Christian women are abused just as often … but they tend to stay longer
A 2018 LifeWay survey showed that more than 30% of Protestant pastors believe physical and sexual violence don’t occur within their churches. Unfortunately, that belief is almost certainly false.
Studies have shown that Christian women are abused at roughly the same rate as those outside the Church. The major difference is that Christian women are likely to remain an average of three and a half years longer with an abusive partner, and they are more likely to return to an abuser after leaving.
This reluctance to leave an abusive situation can likely be attributed to an aversion to divorce, whether because of a victim’s own beliefs or her fear of censure from the church. A high view of marriage is a healthy, biblical belief when it encourages couples to set aside selfish attitudes and work through difficulties or disagreements to honor Christ. However, it can turn dysfunctional when it leads us to believe that God cares more about an institution than He does about the ongoing oppression of one of His children.
The tendency to stay is compounded when a victim is also experiencing spiritual abuse, perhaps being told that she should be more submissive, know her place and work harder to please her husband. Even comments from well-meaning friends or church leaders may feed into the idea that if she can be good enough, God will reward her by fixing her marriage.
3. Recognizing abuse isn’t always easy
Abuse takes place across every age range, race, economic class, level of education, and personal background. Several factors make it even harder to identify a victim of abuse.
Many times the victim doesn’t recognize that she’s experiencing abuse. She may not realize that forced isolation, deprivation, and threats are forms of abuse. Or she may rationalize that “he kicked me, but he doesn’t beat me.”
Abusers can be charming, charismatic, and likeable, while hiding their abusive tendencies from everyone outside the home. In contrast, victims of extensive, ongoing abuse often experience a form of post-traumatic stress disorder, which can make them appear unfocused, unreasonable, or overly emotional.
A carefully cultivated atmosphere of fear usually prevents victims from talking about their circumstances. A victim may be afraid to destroy the image others have of her family, afraid no one will believe her, or afraid of the consequences if her abuser discovers she shared private details of their lives with others.
4. Your response could make the situation worse
Pastors and church leaders want to help but don’t always realize that their actions could have disastrous results.
For example, a common pastoral response to a domestic abuse situation is to provide or refer for marital counseling. According to LifeWay, 70% of Protestant and 75% of Baptist pastors have provided couples’ counseling when dealing with a domestic abuse situation. However, going to marital counseling will almost certainly increase abuse.
The goal of couples’ counseling is to help both parties work on their issues. This is constructive in troubled marriages, but destructive in abusive marriages, which are rooted in the abuser’s desire for coercive control over the victim. Discussion of the victim’s “issues” with both parties present allows the abuser to manipulate her and exert even more control. In addition, the abuser may retaliate privately if the victim says too much, making it unlikely that she will openly share the reality of her circumstances in joint counseling.
Another survey from LifeWay showed that if a church member wanted to file for divorce on the grounds of abuse, most pastors would want to investigate the claims. This response could pose a real danger for the victim and members of her family. Abusers have a surprising ability to hide the signs of abuse from others, and they are highly likely to turn on victims who have made others aware of their abuse. Even abusers who have not yet physically abused their spouse could become violent at any point in time. The tragic truth is that abusive behavior worsens over time, and an abuser’s first act of physical violence may be murder.
So what should pastors and church leaders do when they become aware of a domestic abuse situation within the church? I will address that important question in the follow-up to this article.
Kimber Huff serves as the partnership and development director at the Baptist Convention of New England.
For more information, visit:
https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/
http://lifewayresearch.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Domestic-Violence-Research-Report.pdf
http://lifewayresearch.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/Domestic-Violence-and-the-Church.pdf
