Thoughts from the white mother of a Black son

As I write this I am nervous. I’m nervous because some people can take words and twist them, misrepresenting the author’s intentions and using them against him or her. They do it with Scripture, they do it with tweets. There are very few safe outlets, so I want to be very clear about the things going through my mind right now. 

White privilege is real.

I am a white woman who has privilege based solely on my birthright. My parents were white. That’s it. I didn’t have to do anything more to gain this privilege than come into this world. 

My children are black. They do not have privilege even though their mother is white. Their father is black. That’s it. They are at a disadvantage just by being born into this world.

My son is 22 years old and currently lives in the Los Angeles area.  He is a large, looming presence.  He is 6’4” and over 225 lbs. He wears his hair in dreadlocks. Anyone who knows him, knows that he is as gentle as a lamb, but to those who don’t know him, he can be an ominous figure.

His work is in the area of rap music. He has tattoos and a clothing line. He has toured with incredibly famous artist including Post Malone. (Most of you have probably never heard of this artist, but he has more #1 songs than the Beatles). The problem is that people who don’t know my son can look at him and immediately make judgments about what type of person he is – police included.

The death of George Floyd was murder.

George Floyd was killed by a bad police officer. He was failed by those around him, including three other police officers. Those who were meant to protect him failed him – and us.

All police officers are not bad.

In the last week or so I have had several conversations with my son about all that is going on. The most surprising thing he said to me was, “I don’t think all cops are bad.”

We agree totally on this.  I had the opportunity to work with the police on a Gang Task Force for two years. I was able to ride with officers in some very tense situations like undercover drug buys and surveillance operations. It is a scary thing. What I witnessed is that most of these officers are people who put their lives on the line every day to protect us. 

Racism is wrong. 

I think that most people would say that they are not racist and truly believe that. I also think that if many those people were walking down a dark street and my son was walking behind them, they would be nervous. 

Why is that? Is it because society and the media have portrayed young black men as criminals? YES. Think about what see when you watch the news. When a white police officer kills a black man, the media insists on bringing up the past of that young man in order to justify the killing (think Trayvon Martin).  When a white citizen kills black people, the media looks for reasons to explain it away, like mental health issues (think Charleston church shooting). But what happens when a black man kills a white person?  The media digs into his past trying to find something that confirms he was a criminal.  But the problem is larger than just the media. 

There are systematic issues at work. 

If you are a police officer, and your fellow officer is a bad cop, do you report him? The easy answer is yes, you report him.  But it’s only an easy answer when you’re not the one wondering whether he will be your backup during the next call when your life could be on the line. And to whom is he reported?  Other police officers who may be his friends?

The police departments, like fire departments and the military, have a brotherhood culture of “leave no man behind.” This same culture is at work on the street, preventing people from ratting on others because it could put their life at risk. Until we address these issues, not much is going to change. The leaders of these groups must take action to show that covering up wrong-doing will not be tolerated. 

We are all human beings. 

We are not perfect. There are great police officers and horrible police officers. There are police officers who want to wear the badge and carry the gun and be a big man, and there are police officers who really want to help the people, all people. 

There are very fine young men of all races and terrible, evil young men of all races. There are young men who are in situations because of their upbringing or circumstances that lead them to make bad decisions, but bad decisions do not necessarily equal bad people. And there are men who are just born black. 

We have all been shaped by our upbringing.  I will never have the experience of being black.  I will never know what is it like to fear for my life just because I am walking outside or driving in my car, but I do fear for my children. While I have never experienced racism, I know it exists.

When I saw the video my son, a videographer, shot during the LA riots, I had a panic attack. I was just waiting for him to get hurt or killed. Protesters are angry. Police are scared. That is a dangerous mix.  Both are understandable. Neither justifies criminal behavior on either side. 

What do we do? 

Please don’t get all your information from the news and internet. The same way one can pick a sentence out and twist and manipulate it, one can edit a video to push their agenda. If you are watching a two-minute clip, please know that something happened before that clip and something happened after that clip which you are not going to see. Question who is putting out information and what their agenda is.

Talk to people you know and listen to what they have to say.  If you are white, find a young black man or woman and ask them about their experiences. It’s that easy. Ask them to tell you what this is like for him. Most importantly, believe what they tell you. Listen. Don’t justify. If what you hear makes you feel bad, tell them that. Ask how you can help. The answer could be making a donation to a cause that supports racial equality. It may be marching alongside protesters. Pray about it.  Ask God to intervene in our country.

The greatest thing you can do is speak up whenever you see racism. If you are white like me, use that privilege. I can guarantee you that if I speak up against racism it has a greater impact – not because I am better, but because society has given me that status due to my skin color. We can only change things through action.

Bridjo Cobbs is executive assistant and bookkeeper at the Baptist Convention of New England.