Discipline in Love: Rethinking Spanking
I grew up in Tennessee in the 1990s. Spanking as a form of discipline was the norm at home, at school, and even endorsed by Christian parenting books that offered step-by-step instructions. The vice principal at my elementary school kept a wooden paddle for corporal punishment on display behind his desk. This approach to discipline was deeply embedded in evangelical culture, and in many places it still is. Yet globally, the tide has shifted: as of 2024, 75 countries have banned corporal punishment.
Growing up, I thought I would use spanking when I became a parent. But when I actually began having children, I started learning about child brain development and how God designed our nervous systems to work. I also started reading the research about how spanking does not actually work how many of us think it does. I began to understand what children actually learn and internalize from being spanked. And I changed my mind.
This article is a summary of what I’ve learned that caused me to change my perspective on this issue. It’s a call to the church - not to shame - but to reflect deeply and faithfully on how we disciple the next generation, in both truth and grace. My hope is that Christian parents will take the time to honestly revisit the belief that spanking is necessary, loving, or biblically commanded. I invite you to consider the evidence and explore more life-giving ways to disciple and discipline our children.
What the Research Says: Spanking Harms More Than It Helps
A. Increased Aggression and Antisocial Behavior
A 2016 meta-analysis conducted by psychologists Elizabeth Gershoff and Andrew Grogan-Kaylor reviewed over 50 years of research and found that spanking is associated with increased aggression, antisocial behavior, and mental health problems in children. The more frequently children are spanked, the more likely they are to act out violently, not less.
“Spanking children doesn’t improve their behavior. In fact, it makes it worse.” -Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, Journal of Family Psychology
B. Negative Impacts on Brain and Emotional Development
A 2021 study from Harvard University published in Child Development used brain imaging to show that children who were spanked exhibited similar neurological responses to those exposed to more severe forms of abuse, particularly in areas of the brain related to emotional regulation and threat detection.
C. Damaged Parent-Child Relationships
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) strongly advises against spanking. It concludes that corporal punishment can damage trust and the emotional bond between parent and child, often leading to more behavior issues and lower self-esteem.
Although there’s an abundance of research against the practice of spanking, it can sometimes be easy for us as Christians to dismiss such evidence in light of the Bible’s call for us to be "countercultural". While we should definitely examine secular studies through the lens of Scripture, we must be careful not to quickly dismiss ideas just because they challenge long-held beliefs and practices. In this instance, I would argue that these studies have a strong correlation to the teaching of Scripture if we’re willing to reexamine our assumptions.
Biblical Misinterpretations: Does God Really Command Spanking?
It’s often claimed that the Bible endorses spanking, usually referencing the Book of Proverbs. However, I would say this interpretation misunderstands both the language and context of those scriptures.
Misquoted: “Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child”
This phrase is not found in the Bible. It originates from a 17th-century poem by Samuel Butler - not from Scripture. What Proverbs does say includes:
Proverbs 13:24: “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”
Proverbs 23:13–14: “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die.”
It’s easy for us to quickly assume these verses are a clear biblical endorsement of corporal punishment, but let’s take a closer look at what “rod” actually means.
What Is “The Rod” in Proverbs? Shepherd Imagery and Biblical Context
The Rod as a Symbol of Guidance
Maybe you were taught, like I was, that a shepherd would go so far as to use his rod to break a sheep’s legs to keep a sheep from wandering. This is a long-time circulated analogy. In reality, there is no historical evidence a shepherd would purposefully break his own sheep’s legs, yet I hear this analogy referenced often as proof that corporal punishment or using “the rod” is a good means of parental discipline.
In biblical usage, the rod (Hebrew shevet) often symbolizes guidance and authority, not physical punishment. Psalm 23:4 says, “Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” In shepherding, the rod was used to defend sheep from predators, count and inspect the flock, and gently nudge sheep back onto safe paths. The biblical rod symbolizes authority, direction, and protection, not violence. Even when the rod is mentioned as a means of doling out God’s judgment, it’s referring to Holy God disciplining a whole nation - not a young child or toddler - with repentance and restoration as the goal.
What About a Biblical Mandate to Spank?
Dr. William J. Webb, in his book Corporal Punishment in the Bible, argues that the “rod” passages in Proverbs must be understood in their ancient, cultural context. He explains that these verses were part of a patriarchal, hierarchical society where physical discipline was the norm, not a divine blueprint for all time. Webb uses what he calls a redemptive-movement hermeneutic, which recognizes that while the Bible’s instructions may reflect cultural norms of the time, they often point forward to more just and compassionate practices. Just as Christians no longer follow certain ancient purity or slavery codes, Webb contends that corporal punishment is another area where Scripture points us toward a more redemptive ethic, one that ultimately does not mandate spanking.
What Did Jesus Model?
Jesus consistently corrected His disciples, who were often immature, impulsive, and stubborn, yet His correction was never abusive, shaming, or violent. His correction was:
Verbal: Teaching with stories and questions
Relational: Done in love and patience
Redemptive: Aimed at restoration, not punishment
“Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” - Matthew 19:14
Jesus consistently protected children, raised their value in society, and used them as examples of faith. Striking them would directly contradict His nature as the Good Shepherd (John 10), who lays down His life for His sheep.
Scripture clearly shows that God disciplines His people and sometimes expresses righteous anger. Jesus Himself showed holy zeal and rebuked His disciples. But even in His correction, we see His desire to restore, not to harm. The difference between holy discipline and harmful punishment is not the absence of firmness, but the presence of redemptive love. Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace”. Pain can result from discipline, but Scripture never mandates that pain must be inflicted through corporal means.
What Does the New Testament Say About Parenting?
New Testament teachings on parenting align with nonviolent discipline:
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” - Ephesians 6:4
“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” - Colossians 3:21
In some evangelical circles, the term “discipline” is sometimes used synonymously with spanking. However, the Greek word for “discipline” in the verses above is paideia, meaning training, instruction, or education, not punishment. It reflects a nurturing, not a punitive, relationship.
The fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23) - offer a blueprint for godly parenting. Spanking, especially when done in anger or frustration, contradicts these fruits.
Often, spanking is not a measured choice but a reaction born out of frustration. Unchecked anger can naturally lead us toward violence, which should make us carefully reconsider spanking in moments of disobedience. Our natural response to frustration is rarely the holy option. Scripture calls us to be slow to anger (James 1:19) and to not sin in the times we are angry (Ephesians 4:26). Discipline must be done in love, not in anger.
While many Christian parents seek to spank calmly and with good intentions, research shows that even spanking done in a controlled, non-angry manner has long-term negative effects. Meaghan Hampton, a Christian therapist and author who desires to help Christian parents build connection and gospel-shaped homes, advises against calmly spanking. She shares that when a child is hurt by a parent or caregiver who seems calm and regulated, it’s disorienting to the child’s nervous system. A calm, emotionally regulated parent should be a signal of safety to a child, not pain. This confusion can teach a child that they can be harmed even when anger is absent, which causes children to mistrust their own safety cues and creates internal dissonance. She also shares that spanking while in a calm state sends an implicit message to children, “Love and physical harm can co-exist”. Children are naturally wired to have the survival instinct to attach to parents and caregivers. If love and pain go together, particularly in the name of discipline, this message that “sometimes love hurts” can be internalized. This implicit message can unintentionally set children up to be accepting of abuse. Children may also learn to suppress their emotions to preserve relationship instead of learning how to emotionally regulate in a healthy way.
I know many of us were taught how to calmly spank, and many parents have been taught that it is the correct way to incorporate spanking. I know many parents’ motives are good, but this is a call to reassess the method based on the fruit. Love and intentionality matter deeply, but we are also responsible for the outcomes of our parenting choices.
A Better Way: Discipline Rooted in Relationship
Children need boundaries, structure, and discipline - but not through fear or pain.
Effective, biblical discipline focuses on teaching, not punishing. It builds connection rather than breaks it. It encourages accountability while maintaining dignity. It shapes the heart, not just behavior.
Biblical discipline is modeled after how God parents us: with kindness, justice, correction, and grace. Hebrews 12:6 says, “The Lord disciplines the one He loves”, and God's discipline is always aimed at restoration, not retaliation. It is never harsh or harmful, and always connected to love, purpose, and relationship.
It’s important to remember that God’s discipline is holy and just. Scripture records instances where God’s judgment was swift and severe, such as with Eli’s sons (1 Samuel 2) and Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5), demonstrating His intolerance for sin and the seriousness of holiness. However, even in these instances, God’s actions were purposeful and redemptive, aimed at restoring righteousness. As parents, we do not wield divine authority and should be wary of viewing ourselves as God in Bible stories like these, but we are called to discipline with similar character: firm but loving, correcting with a desire for restoration rather than retribution.
When a child hits their sibling out of frustration, a fear-based response might be to spank or yell in an effort to stop the behavior immediately. But a relationship-based, biblical approach looks different. The parent might take the child aside, get down to their eye level, and say calmly but firmly, “We don’t hit. Hitting hurts, and we’re called to love each other.” Then, they help the child name their emotion (“Were you feeling angry?”), guide them to make it right with their sibling (“Can you apologize and ask how you can help them feel better?”), and teach a better way to respond next time (“Next time you’re upset, come talk to me or take a deep breath instead of hitting”).
This kind of discipline still holds the child accountable, but it also teaches empathy, self-control, and restores the relationship - both with the parent and the sibling. It mirrors how God corrects us: with truth, love, and a desire to see us grow.
God most certainly allows us to face the consequences of our sin, and our children should face the consequences of their actions, but the consequence should be relevant to the offense. Parents can employ both natural and logical consequences to teach children and build their character.
A natural consequence happens without adult intervention; they are the natural result of a child’s actions. Some examples could be: If a child refuses to wear a coat, they get cold. If they leave a toy outside, it may get damaged or lost. If they don’t eat dinner, they’ll be hungry later. Nature or reality teaches the lesson. Parents just allow the consequence to happen (when it's safe to do so).
A logical consequence is related, reasonable, and respectful. Logical consequences require adult involvement, but are directly related to the behavior and designed to teach responsibility. For example, if a child plays video games during homework time, a logical consequence would be to remove access to video games until the child can show responsibility. If a child is repeatedly leaving dirty laundry on the floor after being told to put it in the laundry basket, then the logical consequence would be for the dirty laundry not to get washed - if you want clean clothes, you need to take part in the process. We as parents need to make sure we follow through and always allow a path to restore trust and responsibility.
The Church’s Opportunity: Leading Families Toward Christlike Parenting
The church is uniquely positioned to influence the next generation of families. Many church communities, often seeking to be faithful to Scripture, have embraced interpretations that promote spanking as a divine command - yet we now have the opportunity to revisit these beliefs in light of both biblical context and what we’ve learned about child development. Now we can see:
The science is clear: spanking causes harm.
The Scripture, rightly interpreted, does not demand corporal punishment.
The example of Jesus shows us a better way - one rooted in grace, truth, and love.
This is not a call to “soft parenting” or permissiveness. Discipline is absolutely essential - but it should be firm without being harsh, structured without being controlling, and loving without being permissive.
Love, Not Fear, Is the Foundation of Godly Discipline
The greatest commandment Jesus gave us was to love: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart… and love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37–39). Our children are our nearest neighbors. The way we discipline them shapes how they understand love, authority, trust, and even God Himself.
Parenting, like our relationship with God, involves a healthy tension between reverent fear and intimate relationship. Scripture calls us to ‘work out our salvation with fear and trembling’ (Philippians 2:12), reflecting a holy awe of God’s character. Yet this fear is not meant to drive us from God but to draw us into deeper love and trust. In the same way, our children flourish when discipline cultivates respect born of secure attachment, not fear of harm. May our parenting reflect both the awe of God’s holiness and the tender grace of His love.
Let us move away from fear-based parenting and toward relationship-based discipline that reflects the heart of Christ. Let us lay down the rod of tradition when it becomes a weapon, and instead pick up the shepherd’s staff - guiding, protecting, and correcting our children with grace, truth, and love.
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”- Ephesians 6:4
You may read this article and remain unconvinced of a need for an alternative to spanking, but I hope you'll at the very least see there are different forms of discipline that remain faithful to a biblical worldview. My hope is that this would be an opportunity for discussion, not division. My goal is not to shame anyone, but to invite you to reflect on what you’ve learned and to examine traditional teachings on spanking in light of what the Bible says and what Jesus modeled.
Below is a list of resources that uphold biblical principles while offering practical, evidence-based tools to help you guide your children with wisdom and grace.
Christian-Based Resources
Discipline That Connects With Your Child’s Heart - Jim & Lynne Jackson
Grounded in Scripture, this resource teaches how to discipline with empathy and grace.
Emphasizes restoring relationships, teaching responsibility, and maintaining dignity.
Ideal for parents seeking a biblical model that balances accountability with compassion.
Grace-Based Parenting - Dr. Tim Kimmel
Encourages parenting rooted in God’s grace, offering freedom within firm boundaries.
Helps parents move beyond authoritarian models to build emotionally healthy children.
Supports firm discipline infused with love and respect, aligned with gospel truths.
Corporal Punishment in the Bible - William J. Webb
Offers a thorough biblical examination of corporal punishment texts.
Challenges traditional views and invites thoughtful reflection on God-honoring discipline.
Helpful for parents wanting a scholarly perspective rooted in Scripture.
Sacred Co-Regulation: A Crash Course in Loving Our Kids from a Psychologically and Theologically Informed View - Meaghan Hampton, MA, LPC Associate
Research-informed, gospel-centered crash course in helping your child feel emotionally safe and spiritually connected.
Contains practical tools and theologically grounded insights on co-regulation, the nervous system, attachment, and grace-filled parenting.
Perfect for the parent who's doing the best they can and trusting God to fill in the gaps.
Complementary Evidence-Based Tools
While these resources come from secular backgrounds, they align well with Christian values of kindness, self-control, and nurturing hearts. They provide practical methods to support biblical parenting goals.
The Discipline Book - Dr. William Sears
Focuses on attachment and connection-based discipline strategies.
Encourages understanding children’s needs while setting clear limits.
Complements biblical principles of loving guidance and respect.
Parenting with Love and Logic - Foster Cline & Jim Fay
Offers practical strategies using natural consequences and shared responsibility.
Promotes respect and clear boundaries without harsh punishment.
Encourages children to learn from their choices in a safe, loving environment.
No-Drama Discipline and The Whole-Brain Child - Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson
Explains the neuroscience behind children’s behavior and emotions.
Provide tools to help children regulate emotions and grow in self-control.
Aligns well with Christian goals of nurturing wisdom, patience, and empathy.
Podcasts
Connected Families Podcast – Focuses on biblical, brain-based strategies for discipline and connection.
Raising Boys & Girls Podcast – Offers insights from child therapists through a Christian lens.
The Relatable Parent Podcast (by Connected Families and partners) – Addresses everyday parenting challenges with grace-based tools.
Final Encouragement
Parenting is a journey of grace, patience, and intentionality. These resources are tools to help you disciple your children in love and truth, following the example of our Heavenly Father who disciplines us out of love and for our good (Hebrews 12:6). As you explore these materials, pray for wisdom and discernment, and lean on God’s Spirit to guide your heart and your family.
Elissa Wright has served in ministry in New England for 13 years, is a mother, and serves as the Communications Associate for the Baptist Churches of New England.
