God’s Church

“I don’t think this church will make it. Honestly, I don’t think I am going to make it,” I blurted out as I sobbed before my wife.  The frustration and disappointment erupted violently and unexpectedly.  No one had prepared me for the hardship and disappointment I would endure.

A year earlier, I had resigned from my well-paying job to start a church. Brimming with excitement and enthusiasm, I had visions of how this new work would become a prevailing church in the community. Optimistically, I envisioned hundreds, if not thousands, coming to Christ within a couple of years. Convinced there was only success ahead, I charged forward with all my might…working morning, noon, and night. 

I listened to the greatest church growth technicians of the day; faithfully applying every outreach and discipleship methodology. Assured of progress, set backs were temporary…only meaningless delays to me. Eventually, I believed, the numbers would increase and momentum accelerate.

A year later, there was a reckoning. Physically exhausted, mentally and spiritually fatigued, I had run out of energy. My rapid pace of ministry drained the very life out of me. My strategy and plans, based on the latest and greatest ministry approaches, miserably failed. My visions of grandeur quickly fading. And now, I’m dead broke. My personal finances gone and depleted in my valiant effort to get the church up and running.

On a good day, there might be 30 people attending service.  

This is not what I had expected. Every previous ministry, numeric growth and larger crowds were the norm. I didn’t understand. “What is going on? Why isn’t the church growing? I’m doing the right things but with little result. I don’t get it.” Fighting an emerging inward despair, my positivity bottomed out. Quickly, I drifted into a downward spiral.  

I felt overwhelmingly discouraged, greatly disappointed and absolutely defeated.  Those emotions culminated into a persistent, ongoing thought: “I’m a failure.”  

This notion of failure climaxed to new heights when 5 or 6 people in total showed up for a worship service. To be fair, an hour before, a torrential rainstorm flooded the area. The majority of people decided to boycott the gathering. When I looked out on the paltry crowd, I said to myself, “This is nothing more than a glorified Bible study. This is going nowhere. I can’t keep doing this. I’m completely spent.”

I felt overwhelmingly discouraged, greatly disappointed and absolutely defeated.  Those emotions culminated into a persistent, ongoing thought: “I’m a failure.”

When I arrived home, I went straight to the bedroom. My wife Sharon (because of the flood could not come to church) was there to happily greet me. Her expression changed suddenly when she saw the sullen look on my face.  

She knew I was at the breaking point. 

As I wept, I said, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything. The only thing I know to do is pray.’ So I knelt by the bed. Humbled and broken, I choked out these words: 

“God, I don’t understand why you would call me to start a church. Why would you ask me to do something that would ultimately fail? If You decide to close the church down, OK. But that doesn’t make sense to me. Why would You make me toil so hard for a year only to see it die?  But if You decide to grow this church, I promise to give You all the credit. So now, I am handing the church completely over to You. If it succeeds or fails, that’s Your deal. This church belongs to You. I’m not going to worry about it anymore.”

If it succeeds or fails, that’s Your deal. This church belongs to You. I’m not going to worry about it anymore.

Then, I felt like God whisper an encouraging directive to me: “Take care of the ones I’ve entrusted to your care. Whether it’s five or five hundred, doesn’t matter. Invest. That’s what matters.”

A huge burden lifted. The weight gone. Transferring responsibility of God’s rightful place as the Head of the church infused immediate refreshment and peace into my weary soul. I realized for the first time, “This is God’s church. He decides the results. Be faithful with the people God gives me.”

That important lesson occurred 25 years ago. I’ve never forgotten that He does the work. God broke me into a million pieces.  He shattered my pride and ego – making new inroads to my character development.  Although painful, I have a deeper perspective of Him and His Church that I could have otherwise never gained. And I am so thankful.

Be encouraged. Trust Him. And stay faithful.  

Hal Haller serves as the associate executive director for the Baptist Convention of New England, where he also oversees church planting.