A dream is a wish your heart makes

I’ve been thinking a lot about dreams recently. Not dreams you have while you’re sleeping, but the dreams or hopes that you have for yourself. You could also call them desires. The other day in the car, my daughters and I were listening to a Disney hits mix and “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” came on. And I had the thought, “What dreams or wishes do I have right now? When was the last time I had a dream?” It was a sad observation for the girl who daydreamed all her childhood about all she could accomplish and do with her life. My dreams felt like they had vanished. 

Listening to my girl’s singing away, I knew that motherhood had stolen most of my dreams. I realize that sounds like a bitter statement and, honestly, sometimes I do struggle to not feel bitterness. Motherhood, for me, brought on a long season of depression and exhaustion. It was so hard going from an energetic, colorful person to a tired, gray version of myself. There were months when I despaired of ever having this constant cloud over my life go away. 

While still in the throes of depression and raising very little children, my husband took on a job at our church. We had always been deeply involved in church and served in various ways, but it did not prepare me for full-time ministry. It was a beautiful, heavy load to carry. And lonely, so lonely. Especially for me, a spouse of someone in full-time ministry. My husband carried a lot and felt the weariness of pouring himself out in that way, and yet, he and the rest of the staff had each other, to support and love and encourage one another. I didn’t have that support. 

I had a very supportive and loving husband, who I’m so thankful for, but that was about it. I also struggled with feeling useless and invisible. I longed to be working alongside my husband, toiling for the Lord and the church. And I was! Just in a very different way: staying at home with our children, caring for our home, while loving and affirming my husband. For some people, that is the dream. It wasn’t for me but it was what God had for me. Those years were hard but they strengthened my faith and my reliance on the Lord immensely. I learned that I could cry out to the Lord in pain and frustration and worship Him at the same time. The Psalms helped teach me that. 

Eventually, slowly, my ministry expanded. Not officially, but my capacity to take on more beyond child-raising and housework grew. I began being able to invest in relationships, discipling people and walking with them through hardships. I found myself sitting with them in their various joys and trials and pointing them to the Lord and His life-giving Word. I had learned it was possible to suffer and still worship and trust in Him who holds us fast through anything the world throws our way, and I longed to encourage others to do so too. 

Now, what does any of this have to do with dreams? 

When I would get glimpses of the color my girls were bringing to the world. Their wonder, their curiosity, their joy, their zest for life, and I realized they could bring twice as much light and color as I could (since there were two of them!). I learned that raising them to bring light and joy and love to the world around them would be time well-spent. 

When I sat with people in their hurt, crying out to God on their behalf or while praising Him when they saw a truth in Scripture for the first time - I learned that having deep relationships was a worthy way to spend my time. 

When my husband shepherds and preaches the Gospel to our church, I get to preach the Gospel to him. He has a mighty burden to carry and I get to make our home a place for him to rest when he has labored so long. I get to sustain him with food. I learned that partnering with him in serving and loving the church was a worthy call. 

What dreams do I have right now? I have many dreams. My dreams have become people: my husband, my daughters, my family, and my friends. The wish that my heart makes is to love them, to pour out all I have to help them know the Lord better, to turn to Scripture, and to help them lay their anxieties at the feet of a Savior who longs to comfort them. 

Kaitlyn Moore lives near Amherst, MA and serves at MERCYhouse. She is a pastor's wife and serves on the women’s ministry team.