Welcoming the critics
My wife, Natalie, was about to criticize me. She prepared me for it. She assured me it wasn’t personal. She even confessed that she might not be right in what she was about to share. And then she said, “From my perspective, I think you…”
I was busted. She was right – and she loved me enough to say something.
The blessing of criticism
God has blessed me with a lot of things: health, resources, a calling I love but don’t deserve, friends, family, an incredible wife and two amazing sons. But as much as I hate to admit it, probably one thing of which I don’t have enough in my life is criticism. Now I don’t mean a nagging wife, critical friends or a vocal and discontented church family. I’m referring to trusted brothers and sisters who look at my life, look at Jesus, and humbly and lovingly point out the differences between us that I am blind to.
Why is that?
A. Is it because I am so good, right, and generally “together”? Certainly not!
B. Is it because I have friends who don’t love me and, therefore, don’t bother with rightly criticizing me? No! I have the fiercest friends on the planet, and they love me deeply.
C. Is it because I am too thin-skinned and my loved ones know it? Maybe they tried once, twice or a dozen times to share a loving criticism, but I blew up, got defensive, denied or shifted the blame, so they decided it wasn’t worth trying to have the conversation.
D. Is it because I talk too much as a defense mechanism and don’t give them opportunity to share?
E. Or is it a Molotov cocktail of C, D and more sinister traits I can’t even see?
The answer could be C or D, but I hear a game show prize-bell urgently ringing ding-ding-ding! when I look at option E.
Feedback sharpens us
Only a madman would want a bunch of critics, but only a delusional narcissist would want to live a life with absolutely no critics. The one who isolates himself or herself, building walls and moats and draw-bridges to keep out anything that is less than flattering and affirming, is a fool.
The Bible teaches us that “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17). I am so thankful for Natalie as well as godly men like Kevin Marando, Josh Wyatt, David Butler, Dan Byrd, Ed Walker, Karson Tager and a few others who have earned the right to point out the inconsistencies between my confession of Christ’s lordship and my faith and character.
The right way to view criticism
I don’t want to imply that all criticism is created equal. Not everyone gets to be my critic, and not every critic’s critique gets equal weight and consideration in my life. Anonymous critics will have no voice in my life.
When I do receive criticism from a trusted critic, I need to avoid becoming defensive and celebrate the underlying motive of love from someone who cares enough about me to want my life to mirror Christ. Since kind-hearted criticism is birthed out of concern for my best interest, I need to set aside my pride and prayerfully discern the truth and accuracy in the critic’s observation, then act on it.
Ultimately, it is the Holy Spirit who critiques and convicts my heart, so a gracious criticism, a “wound from a friend” as described in Proverbs 27:6, may actually be a message God is delivering to me via a loved one.
I want my family, my friends and my trusted allies to have permission to look at my life and lovingly call me to abide in and align with Jesus. Unwillingness to receive just criticism is outright pride (or subtle pride masquerading as crippling insecurity). On the other hand, receiving criticism spoken in love serves as a powerful reminder – we are not perfect, grace is our deepest need, and God in His love provides it for us.
JD Mangrum is the church planting pastor of Christ Church Charlestown in Charlestown, MA.