Becoming an inefficiency expert in relationships
COVID-19 totally changed my pastoral rhythms. It seemed like the weekly tasks quadrupled! I felt like what was once 45-50 hours per week in a pre-COVID world became 60 or 70 hours per week in spring and summer. I learned to cut corners and do in 10 minutes what once took 15. Because traffic was less dense, I could get to a spot in 30 minutes that once took 50. Every trip and every task became an area where I was looking to save time and energy — get things done with excellency but increased attention to efficiency. I felt like one of those bike riders in the Tour de France, speeding downhill through the Alps, trying to lean into the bends and turns just right at terrifyingly blistering speeds, saving inches to beat an opponent by seconds or less.
When multi-tasking becomes dangerous
But soon I let multi-tasking efficiency creep into a dangerous area: relationships. Those closest to me became the worst victims of my quest for efficiency. At first, I was the only one who knew it was going on. My boys would be talking with me, and I would be hearing them but not really listening. Or I would be with my precious wife, Natalie, sitting on the couch debriefing the day but not really all there mentally…instead thinking about what I didn’t get done or had to do tomorrow. I became a zombie, present with my family but devoid of life and connection.
The Holy Spirit was first to expose my emotional absence. I heard Him but didn’t adjust quickly. I blamed my distance from Natalie on the fact that we weren’t getting our Friday off-days and were at home social distancing rather than out on dates. Excuses.
Eventually, Natalie brought my Martha-hearted distraction to light. She told me she didn’t feel seen and heard. She pointed out graciously that our boys will only be young once and won’t care one iota if Christ Church “succeeds” if they see me as distant in their lives. It was like hearing the rooster crow at sunrise after the third denial. I repented to God and her. And here’s the dearest lesson coronavirus taught me:
I can’t cut corners in relationships.
When to cut corners and when to savor slow moments
I can multitask and become an efficiency expert in paperwork, branding, budgeting, missional thinking, note-writing, even Bible study. But relationships don’t work the same way. And the relationships that matter most deserve the slowest, most intentional attention to detail. Nat, Noah and Owen matter more to me than ministry success…they really do! Pandemic and a summer of social unrest gave me a case of disorienting vertigo, but the Holy Spirit and my gracious wife helped me find my feet again.
Become an efficiency expert in peripheral things. Read books like The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, The One Thing, Mini Habits and others. You can find a great list on Lifehack. Listen to podcasts or read blogs. Ask efficient people around you how they’re so efficient… if they’ll make time to meet with you.
But for heaven’s sake, become an inefficiency expert in the lives of the people who matter most — your spouse and your kids and family. Take a morning off, an afternoon off, a day off — maybe all in the same week! Give yourself some grace. Get someone to preach for you, take a Sunday off to hear the Gospel, and cut a corner on sermon prep for a week to spend slow, quality time with those who matter most. (I’m sure the BCNE would love to help us with this!)
Spend a romantic evening with your wife. Take your kids or grandkids fishing or have a tea party. Repent of being a physically-present but emotionally-distant zombie husband or zombie dad. In a season where corner-cutting is demanded of us, don’t cut a corner here.
Don’t let efficiency lead to burnout
The stats on pastors who are discouraged and ready to quit right now are staggering and frightening. If I walked away today — which I won’t, by God’s grace — it would be because I knew COVID-ministry seduced me into becoming lackadaisical toward those I love most. And righting the ship in the wake of that sin could cause me to tap out.
Have you gotten unmoored from the relationships that matter most? If you’ve been the world’s worst husband/dad/pastor and are discouraged and ready to quit, hear me: You are seen. You are heard. You’re not the only one. Please, adjust and stay in the fight. Don’t cut corners in your most precious relationships. Finally, our sin is great — though our society and even our church-culture applauds it — but Jesus’ grace is greater.
JD Mangrum is the church planting pastor of Christ Church Charlestown in Charlestown, MA.