Avoiding the “I Versus You” Syndrome

I recall participating in a small group at a church where we were discussing a passage of Scripture that is challenged in our current culture. The leader of the group shared moving stories of his own journey of faith. However, as the discussion wore on, most of his comments began with statements like, “I changed and you need to change too,” or “I stopped this behavior, and you need to stop this behavior too,” and “You need to change the way you think, feel, and act and become like me because I have overcome these problems.” The leader, perhaps unintentionally, seemed to imply that he had all the answers and had everything figured out about this particular issue. After a while, his moving stories started to sound more like arrogance than empathy.

While his personal story was powerful, several of us in the group thought of half a dozen other ways people might apply that Scripture to life. There were a variety of ways people positive change besides the specific example provided by the well intentioned speaker.

When communicating biblical truth it is important to share the stories of our own spiritual journey, but we must avoid the “I versus you” style of sharing. That type of sharing sounds arrogant and condescending. We must learn to use "we” and “us" statements instead of "I” and “you" statements.

Using we and us statements helps everyone feel as if the person communicating is part of the group instead of above the group. This does not mean that we cannot talk about difficult issues; it just means that we should not create an “I versus you” environment in the process. People will perceive I statements as being judgmental, and they are unlikely to want to engage in a second dose of hearing how great we think we are. Retraining ourselves to use we and us statements instead of I and you statements can be quite a challenge. But it is important when teaching truth to others.

The following might be an example of a less-effective statement:

“If you continue in your addiction, you will never have a happy life. I trusted Christ, and it helped me overcome my addiction. I have been happier ever since. If you trust Christ, He will help you overcome your addiction, and you will be happier too.”

Though every word of the preceding statement may be technically accurate, it sets the speaker up as "better" than the "hearer" and to many people that is arrogant, and therefore, a less effective style of communication.

An example of a more-effective statement might be the following:

“Many of us have struggled with various addictions in our lives. We know what it is like to overcome such addictions, and we know what it is like to give in to those addictions. But as we have learned to turn from our sin and trust in Christ, we have found new strength to overcome our addictions. Let us encourage each another in our struggles and use the power of our faith in Christ to help each other overcome the addictions all of us battle.”

That type of statement expresses the need to turn away from negative behavior but does not put the speaker above the group. To the contrary, it puts the speaker and the listener on common ground. People respond much better to this type of statement.

Whether we are speaking in a formal public setting, an informal small group, posting a message on social media, sending a text or email, or creating a podcast, we must retrain ourselves to use we and us statements instead of I and you statements. Though it may be a challenge, it is a challenge worth engaging in if we hope to communicate well.

Dr. Terry W. Dorsett serves as the executive director of the Baptist Churches of New England.